An amazing Christmas on the Garden State Parkway

First, Merry Christmas even though Christmas is past.  I felt it important to say those words since in public they seem to be a politically incorrect thing of the past. Even my Word ® software tried to correct me when I typed those words.

For more years than I can remember, Christmas dinner was at our house with all of our children or as they had families of their own over the years, when it was our turn as the alternative to the in-laws.  This year we achieved an amazing goal of all of our children and grandchildren at our house for Thanksgiving but at the cost of no one coming for Christmas.  That left us two seasoned citizens on our own.  However, the kindness of our soon to be daughter in law saved us from staring at each other over Christmas leftovers; she invited us to her family’s Christmas celebration.  It is now 10:30 AM the day after Christmas and we still haven’t made it to her house.

Instead, we decided to spend Christmas day sitting on the side of the road on the Garden State Parkway our Christmas carols replaced with the whining of cars speeding by us at 75 MPH as we sat three inches from the main road with our hazard lights flashing in lieu of flickering candles.  Ah such merriment and to make it more exciting I had to pee.

I did learn new phrases such as “gear box fault” and “engine system failure” but they appeared on my dashboard, and did not measure up to Deck the Halls.  My wife’s low mileage, less than four-year-old, Jag had let us down.  I mention the maker of the car only on the chance that someone associated with that thing reads this and knows that many other people are as well.

We never made it to our Christmas dinner, which by now you have figured out.  Rather, we limped off the Parkway to our son’s house (he was at his fiancés) in New York.  Amazingly (don’t you just love that word), the car actually does have a “limp home mode,” you have to give credit to the Brits for thinking of that. When we arrived, I turned off the engine, but few minutes later decided to move the car to better place it in the parking space and amazingly no warning lights, no limping mode the car was fixed, it seemed fine.  I quickly concluded that it must have been the fault of the cruise control, my conclusion mind you with zero knowledge of automotive mechanics or electronics…big mistake.  So, with things seemingly all in order we took off for Christmas Joy…big mistake.

As we drove down the Parkway again, my failing engine and faulty gear box friends returned only this time shutting off the engine and restarting got us about 200 feet at each try, just let me make it to the next exit I think I still have to pee. No such luck our final moving destination for Christmas Day was on the side of the Parkway only this time there was barely any shoulder and we were precariously sitting very close to the traffic racing by with no regard for our holiday hazard lights flashing.  In fact, we were so close to the guardrail there was no way to get out of the car on the passenger side. My lovely wife reminded me of the fact it may have been better to stay at our son’s parking space.  I know, I sheepishly said in recognition of my poor but desperate choice to save the day.  

I dialed 911 and quickly told the operator all I wanted was the number for roadside assistance; he connected me to the State Police who connected me to the road service who with amazing efficiency arrived in about 15 minutes.  Despite the flat beds flashing lights the passing cars still whizzed by at amazing speeds and only inches from the side of our car…happy holidays to you too bud which is not what I said to the driver who insisted on blasting his horn at me as I limped off the highway the first time. After a short period of strategic planning, I eased out of the car as the driver of the tow with his orange vest tried to get cars to move a bit to the left.  My seasoned citizen wife then climbed over the console and got out on the driver’s side followed by both of us inching along the flatbed to get to the other side of the cab.  That required her to climb over the guardrail and then climb on top of the guardrail into the cab.  No need to go to the gym this morning.

Can you take us to the nearest Jag dealer I asked the driver?  I can only take you off the Parkway; you have to call AAA to pick you up there.  “Can I bribe you a vast sum to break these absurd rules?” I asked. “Sorry, I don’t want to get into trouble, was his friendly reply.”  Ok, can you at least drop us off at a diner so we don’t freeze, starve, or have to pee?  Sure, that’s no problem and he dropped us at a Burger King.  As the car was unloaded from the flatbed I told my wife I would call AAA and she could wait in the Burger King and get a cup of coffee…the Burger King was closed.

Before he left, we gave him the bottles of wine we were bringing to the Christmas dinner, Merry Christmas, sorry for getting you out today.  That turned out to be a fortuitous gift because when I learned from AAA that it would be one and half to three hours before we were picked up I mentioned that fact to the tow driver.  Let me see what I can do he said.  The flatbed for the next leg of our Christmas travels arrived in only twenty minutes.  Good thing, I really had to pee by this time and my wife alluded to a similar dilemma.   I guess some other poor traveler was waiting a bit longer, but to be honest, I had two bottles of wine and he did not. 

The second driver turned out to be friendlier than the first especially after leaving his Christmas meal to save us.  He spirited us home (after we climbed three feet up into the cab of the flatbed), dropped off the car at our local garage and even dropped us at our front door a few blocks away.  We willingly gave him a nice tip as well, cash this time we were all out of liquor.

Now that we were warm and cozy (and peed) and pondering the cost of fixing this British bomb my wife and I settled down to Christmas dinner of goldfish crackers and wine, but our culinary dilemma was vastly improved when our son in law brought us some leftovers from their Christmas dinner.

This morning I walked to the garage where I left the car to see what could be done.  They were closed for the weekend. 

We are going back to splitting up the holidays so there is always somebody home for Christmas because I am never leaving the house again on a holiday…even for an amazing day on the road.